The Poached Egg : Anatomy of a Disaster

I always tell you about the creations I'm happy with, so I thought I would share a bit of incompetence for a change. I cannot, for the life of me, poach an egg.

I have read that you should use super fresh eggs, and I have read that week-old eggs worked better. I have read that you should add vinegar to the water, and I have read that no vinegar was necessary. I have read that the water should be salted, and I have read that salt would ruin it. I have read the water should be barely simmering, and I have read you should bring it to a rolling boil. I have read you should just dump the egg into the water, and I have read that you should gently pour it out from a small cup.

I have tried any and all combinations of these factors, but all my efforts have gotten me were sorry-looking eggs, the white completely separated from the yolk in gorgon-like filaments, reeking of vinegar and/or oversalted, and just generally unappetizing and inedible.

Far far from the perfect, plump, oval, soft egg pillows I was trying to create.

Any advice?