How the Fuck Do I Prepare Eggplant? and Other Search Phrases

How the Fuck Do I Prepare Eggplant? and Other Search Phrases

Thanks to Maxence’s excellent home-hosting skills, Chocolate & Zucchini lives on a server in our apartment, cuddling up against muCommander. I like knowing it’s safe and warm, purring when I walk by it in the corridor.

The added bonus of home-hosting, beyond the thrill of DIY and autarky, is that we have full access to the logs, which makes for endlessly mesmerizing stats. My favorite part is the section that tells me which search phrases have led people to C&Z (mostly through Google). I don’t know why it fascinates me so much, but it certainly goes right in with my passion for overheard conversations and glimpses of people caught through windows when I walk down the street.

Happily, most of the search phrases are right to the point : people looking for recipes, information on food or techniques (zucchinis, persimmons, and blow-torching being particularly popular), or restaurant reviews (La Famille and Rose Bakery win the day).

My favorite, hands down, is the deliciously straightforward “how the fuck do i prepare eggplant?”, but here is a little florilège, a selection of the best search phrases so far.

Some disarmingly suggest the throes of doubt the visitor was in :

can you eat too much garlic
how much baked beans can you eat
persimmons unclogged arteries
do they eat chocolate snails
getting rid of scorched flavor
avoiding soggy crackers with appetizer

Some are very cute :

oeuf cocasse (it’s cocotte : “cocasse” is an old-fashioned French word for “comical”)
i am oeuf
choux pastry puffs filled with cream and covered in chocolate are normally called (Jeopardy answer : what are profiterolles?)

Unfortunately, a few were somewhat misled :

take me somewhere sunny (I would love to)
girls getting super short hair cuts (well, almost)
you should repent of list of sins (I’ll think about it)
closeup.jpg index of last modified -sex -member -preview -teen (oh, the disappointment)

But some really know what they want, and I’m glad I have it :

super creamy rich moist and delicious chocolate cake picture
dessert succulent au chocolat
baking; receipe; kitchen; cooking; cookies; desert; chocolate (you got it)
bat meat eating (so proud I could cater to that person)
how to bake a chocolate cake in a 250 word essay (is somebody trying to find an easy way out of an assignment?)

Some are a real inspiration :

confiture d oignon a la creme de cassis (good idea)
chocolate risotto (even better)

And finally :

chez clotilde restaurant new york. Intrigued, I found out that Chez Clotilde appears to be a 24-hour Haitian restaurant in Brooklyn whose manager got shot just 10 days ago, running away with $500 cash. Uh… Is that a good omen?

Things Clotilde Loves

Edible French
Edible French: Tasty Expressions and Cultural Bites

French food and French language brought together at last!

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Earlywood Utensils
Earlywood Handcrafted Utensils

Gorgeous wooden utensils to brighten your daily cooking

  • From $8 to $49
  • Hee! Thanks for sharing these! At first, I thought a creme de cassis and onion combination would be nasty, but (hear me out!) I use cranberry or grape jam with some spring onions and sausage meat to make unbelievably delicious sweet and savoury meat patties. (Good barbecue food.) And I think chocolate risotto would just be like chocolate rice pudding…?

    Don’t worry, though — I’m not inspired to try that out.

  • My favorite is the all-consuming need for “Pictures of astronauts cleaning up after themselves in the kitchen.”

    What’s even stranger is the need for such pictures led them to my blog!


  • These are great! My favorite search term so far on my site is: “wade is a freaking butthead who likes to suck the big ones”, nestled in between searches for “popcorn” and “baked brie”.


  • Heh. Just think of all the hits you’ll get now that you’ve posted that entry title.

  • Wendy

    Ha! I love these. *And* the editorial comments. Ahem.

    People who find my site have rather banal search queries, I fear. The most common is “red walls,” which makes me wonder if this is a band? a song? part of an urban legend? I appreciate the specific queries for restaurants, such as Paru’s and Mama’s Hot Tamales. Hopefully soon I’ll get some queries as juicy as yours!

  • Those are great. Most of mine are friends or acquaintances who know I have a website, and either search for my name, or for the title of the site.

    But occasionally I’ll do a post that generates hits. I turned up pretty high on a google result for Emeril + All Clad recently, which was pretty funny. What’s even more interesting is when someone does a search, and I duplicate it (through my referrer) and they followed a link on the 23rd page of a google search. Who the heck has time to go through 23 pages?

  • Deb

    Another interesting place to find odd search queries is the MovableType activity logs. I’ve had people search my site looking for high school classmates! There was once a query for “wet suit prices” and just other odd searches for things that one wouldn’t normally find in a cooking blog…heh, people are funny.

  • All – I’m glad this entertained you as much as it entertains me! And thanks for sharing your faves too, they had me laughing!

    And Deb, thanks for pointing me to the MT activity logs, I’d never even looked at them! These were more conservative, but I did dig out “glowing persimmon”, which I find very poetic!

  • Maman

    Je n’y croyais pas ! mais j’ai cherché dans google how the fuck etc… et ton site apparait en 2ème position ! je suis sidérée !

  • Maman – C’est fou, non? Je pense que Perec se serait délecté de mes stats… :)

  • Wendy

    I finally got some good queries people used who found me, enough to make a list! Check it out!

  • Fred Jaques

    It would be far nicer to read the context of this website if we didn’t have to read the guttersnipe language at the heading. Why do people feel that they have to use four letter words to express their feelings? Is it because they have an inadequate knowledge of what is acceptable? Perhaps the originator has never grown up and still feels the inadequacy of youth.

  • janice

    appreciate all the imfo! as to the guttersnipe heading…Isay To Each Her Own..Live And Let Live PEACE

  • This title had me intrigued and did not disappoint. What a hysterical post to read! Enjoyed it immensely. I LOVE your site and just ordered your books for my store.

    My favorite “french men who need pedestals”. Who the hell would google THAT?? hahaha

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